Update
I found a 2023 article by J.K. Freericks that, I think, answers my question. A couple key quotes:
...any detector that we use is located somewhere. So, when it measures a particle, it is de facto measuring the position. [p. 2]
...one can, in principle, determine the transverse momentum and the position of impact [of a particle] with the screen essentially as accurately as desired...So, where does the uncertainty enter? It enters when we repeat the measurement and obtain data for another shot. Most likely we measure a position and momentum that are different from the first shot. Measure again, and yet a third different result. It is the variance of all of the shots that give us the uncertainty relations. [p. 7]
...the Heisenberg uncertainty principle...does not apply to single shots of a measurement, which can be carried out to as high a precision as desired. Instead, it is the fluctuations between different shots that governs the uncertainty principle. [p. 11]
Original question
If I understand correctly, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle holds that position and momentum cannot be known with absolute precision simultaneously. And yet, momentum is a function of position: p=mv, where v=∆x/t.
So how can it be that momentum and position have an “uncertainty relation” when momentum is necessarily inferred from position in this way? The implication of the uncertainty relation, as I understand it, is that zero uncertainty about momentum would mean infinite uncertainty about position. Yet, if position is infinitely uncertain then so is momentum.
The only discussion I have found of this issue is the question "Why isn't momentum a function of position in quantum mechanics?" This simply confuses me more; if momentum isn't a function of position then as far as I am concerned, it is not "momentum" anymore, but something else.