How do I write romance while keeping it clean?

Question

I am writing a little YA book, it's mostly about how these two high school characters experience young love throughout its highs and lows. I want to keep mostly/all the book clean so teens could also read it, but I'm having trouble explaining love in a book without the character being physical. This book is being written in 3rd person, so idk how to show how they feel. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Answer 1

To quote the movie "Shakespeare in Love"

When Queen Elizabeth (played by the excellent Dame Judi Dench) - utters this classic line:

Playwrights teach us nothing about love. They make it pretty, they make it comical, or they make it lust, but they cannot make it true.

The notion here is that true love is so deep and complex that none of the commonly portrayed aspects of love really do it justice.

You want a clean story, which means you essentially need to remove the Lust aspect - okay, fair - however, the depth of the topic is so deep that you still have a smorgasboard of options to choose from:

• Imagining futures together
• How the characters feel
• How the characters present themselves (there is a happiness that comes from falling in love that is obnoxiously infectious)
• How the process of being in love irrevocably changes a person (better to have Loved and lost than to have never loved at all)

I share Malachi notion that this could very well earn a VTC - but I am going to close with this:

(and I mean this in the most constructive way possible):

If you are struggling to write a story about Love, without including a sexual element - then perhaps you need a deeper understanding of what love is.

Answer 2

For purely romantic, I would say that "Slow Burn" is the best. And you do not need sex in romance. Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who writes erotica.

Think about your characters' connection and then put yourself in their place. How would you move the relationship forward? Hand holding, an accidental brush, a smile, a shared drink, then work your way up to a kiss. If you go further, make the intimate parts implied or suggested, but not detailed or graphic. Cutting to them sitting in the dining room the next morning, sharing a cup of coffee, revelling in that "next morning" feeling after having discovered one another intimately.

Answer 3

Every arc is a curve

Character arcs (specifically) start from a naive position – what they hope for, or how they imagine accomplishing their goal will be.

The curve is when the story prevents that naive dream. This is the low-point in the story where the character is tempted to give up, and the reader (if not the character themself) sees how the character needs to change. This is sometimes called the mid-point in the 3-Act Structure.

Even when they want to change they still don't know how, or they want to change as little as possible, or just outright resist the change. It's not just a snap of the fingers, the character has to both want to change and work to change – and at this point the arc has curved. There is a new goal, less naive and more sure. The character becomes dedicated to the new direction and for a positive arc they end up with a grown-up version of their original desire. The naive goal isn't accomplished, but something like it is achieved instead.

In a negative arc, the character turns away from their better path. They make a choice (the wrong one) and swerve to an ending that is worse than what they could have had.

Of course this is simplified. Real stories have more than just 3 character 'beats'. There will be many up and down moments within the longer arc, but narratively it's convenient to get to a breaking point where the character is forced to turn. This is not the climax or final realization, the mid-point is not a 'success' it is hitting rock bottom.

Important story elements need an arc

In a Romance (capital R) the relationship is the main arc, and the participating characters will be weaving around the power dynamics of that bumpy arc, sometimes working together to make the relationship happen and then also taking turns sabotaging it with jealousy and love rivals, etc. Characters are swept up by the Romance (capital R) and lose agency as they react and defend against their own passions.

When romance is a sub-plot (small r), it will still have an arc but it is not the main plot. Instead it is a complimentary or counterpoint to the story. There is a naive desire, or a flimsy relationship at the start. The low-point of the main plot may coincide with the turning point of the sub-plot romance. One might lead to the other, or it is part of the character's new outlook. It's still not instant success because the character still has to work to earn the romance – the subplot has to have challenges and setbacks too, but here the romance can be a victim of the main plot. The reason they can't get together is because the main plot is causing the complications.

Still there is a starting situation which is not sustainable or realistic, there is a low-point where the arc is forced to turn, and then there is a new challenge as the couple understand the stakes but still need to work to accomplish the 'win'.

Relationships are TWO people..., and a society

I'm having trouble explaining love in a book without the character being physical. This book is being written in 3rd person, so idk how to show how they feel.

They are individuals who each have their own arc in this relationship. Each starts with naive beliefs and ideals (not the same beliefs and ideals). These will clash with the reality in some way.

Let's have a quick look at poster children for teenage love: Romeo and Juliet. They meet and... talk. A lot. They gush about their own fantasies and romantic ideals. They get one kiss, and there's such a long build to it that it feels momentous when it finally happens. Their next scene together they are getting married(!), and immediately after society intervenes to separate them.... Jumping to the end they prove their commitment and die in each other's arms, just not at the same time.

The point is, Romeo and Juliet have a (shared) arc that starts with their naive ideals. They don't clash against each other (that marriage is real fast) but their fantasy is not sustainable. They get one intimate moment together but the plot makes sure that isn't dwelled on too long. In some adaptations (West Side Story) they pantomime spending a life together emphasizing partnership and marriage, less about consummation and sex. Narratively, works the same.

In real life, first time sex is awful. There's no reason to show that, unless that's actually the story you want. Instead there are budding emotions of being friends and building trust, of have ideals (and not realizing the other person doesn't share those ideals in quite the same way). The good and bad of adopting roles they have seen others perform (parents, older siblings, media), and how these roles are never comfortable fits but we go through the unfamiliar motions. If one partner is more aggressive, does the other have to give in? If they do, what are the consequences, or what is the plot swerve that will derail a too perfect romance?

You are not showing two teens getting smootchie-time through a pedo cam that reports all. You have to show (not tell) what these characters want, and then in the moment what they are willing to risk (vulnerability, exposure, humiliation, rejection), and then how it doesn't quite work out in the way each had naively hoped. Either the expectation was wrong, or society intervenes, or both. Most teenagers are not sexually active. If I read a book where teenagers are having regular sex, I will need more world/character building to justify it. People do not have adult brains until they are around 25. Teenagers do not have healthy adult sexual relationships.

Intimate scenes are scenes first. Like West Side Story, you should be able to remove the physicality and the scene still holds up. Whatever story beat you are telling with a sex scene, can be done with a shared moment where their goals seem to align, and they fully commit to each other. In a story, that kind of closeness reads stronger than humping and grunting. There are higher stakes to losing a potential 'soul mate' because you may never have another, teens really aren't so confident and cavalier about sex, just navigating the non-sexual parts of life and relationships is hard enough.

Answer 4

Erotic feelings and actions are central to romantic relationships between young people (and often between old people as well!). Therefore I would not edit them out completely. I understand that some people do not want to read (or do not want their children to read) texts that are too explicit in this regard, even if I don't share that sentiment.¹

The art then is how to be implicit without being dishonest. There are ample examples, for example in classic Hollywood romances: The film would only show the beginning of a scene — for example, sinking to the bed fully clothed — and then fade out. The physical events were left to the fantasy of the audience. And a 10 year old might think they are going to cuddle while a sexually active adult with movie experience would decode the scene and understand that this is the moment when the couple is going to have sex.

You will have to produce this "camera fading out" scene in your writing, and that, too, has been done many times. As in the movie, your book is then "clean" to read for a 10 year old, but older readers will decode it and understand that they did not go to bed together because they were so terribly tired (even if they perhaps pretended to be!).

One problem you will face is the importance a sexual encounter (let alone the first one) can have for the relationship. Emotions fly high, you offer yourself, entirely unprotected, to the other. It is a moment not only for physical but also emotional and personal exposure. It can be a make-or-break moment.

In order to describe this impact you will have to refer to something you haven't shown. I'm not sure how "clean" you want to be but some parts of a sexual encounter can be described in non-sexual ways, perhaps similar to language found in romantic pop music. "I just died in your arms tonight" may be too explicit, but "when they woke up they looked each other in the eyes and knew the world had changed"?

But however you do it, you'll have to refer to it in a romantic story.

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¹ Literature has always provided role models for adolescents, and in my opinion many teenagers could profit from heroes and heroines whose physical relationships are an integral part of their overall relationships, their overall life. Their honesty, valor, loyalty, empathy, integrity etc. informs not only their fighting and politics but also their intimate relationships. Think of it as a meaningful counterpart to the mindless pornography that most people consume to a larger or lesser degree.

Answer 5

The most straightforward solution would be to not have your characters have sex. Maybe one or both of the characters chooses abstinence for moral reasons, or maybe a sexual relationship isn't practical in their circumstances.

If a physical relationship is important to the story and/or the characters, there are plenty of ways to imply a sexual relationship while keeping the details to a minimum. You could show the characters entering into a bedroom together, and later show the effects this has on each character, while not showing any details of the encounter itself.

If a sexual relationship isn't particularly important to the story, and the abstinence from sex isn't an important to the characters, your best bet might be to just ignore the issue. You only show a tiny percentage of your characters' lives to your readers, and if your audience might be too young to include sex as a part of the story, just skip over that part of their romance and focus on the other parts of their relationship. Sex might be a part of their relationship, or it might not be, you just choose to leave it unclear.

Answer 6

I understand that, sometimes you want romance but you don't want it to be graphic. I'd recommend the 'fade to black' technique; after a slow burn build-up with tension and chemistry, you write up to the moment of intimacy, you then describe as much as you'd like to (to the point of undressing maybe) and then you end the scene with some kind of internal or external progression for your characters. Then the next scene is the day after/after the intimacy. Giving the 'fade to black' element, which can be really great for readers to fill in the gaps in their own minds. Especially if this has been a slow-burn and the intimacy is highly anticipated.

For example in Throne of Glass (a YA series by Sarah J. Maas). There is tension and build up between two characters, one of which is sexually experienced and the other is not. The 'fade to black' scene for these characters was that they had undressed and they were beginning to be intimate with one another, and then it goes something like this: '"Show me everything" Breathed Elide. And so Lorcan did.' - It's clean, but it portrays so much at the same time.

Answer 7

_{This question might be closed as too opinion based, because there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of ways to do this. However, I’ll put in a unique suggestion.}

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Their relationship is forbidden

And I know what you’re thinking immediately after reading that! “What an overused trope,” you say! But just hear me out!

The reason that their relationship is forbidden isn’t a case of family tradition, or “But she’s already betroved to another!” Nope. Their relationship turning sexual would, in the most literal sense, be a crime, punishable by law. The more severe/strict that punishment is, the better. The reason for a sexual relationship between the 2 characters being a crime is entirely up to you; It just has to fit within the setting and context of your story. Ideally (in the eyes of the law, I mean), both characters would be completely fine with this, and their relationship remains platonic/romantic, no one disappears into the nacht und nebel, and they all lived happily ever after, the end. However, if you want a point of contention to be made out of this, only one person (or no one, honestly) is okay with the law, and this generates a little tension (in both senses) between them. But, based off of your question, angst and lust is not what you’re trying to go for. Which is entirely okay! There are infinite ways to write a platonic relationship, and which one is “best” is really a matter of opinion and preference. Chose whichever pathway works for you.

Answer 8

What's essential to any relationship, sexual or otherwise, is connection and communication. Where the latter are difficult, any "relationship" will be purely in the imaginations of the parties concerned. What exactly enables connection and communication is a mystery. It's just something that's there or not - though if we don't open our mouths to say hello or express a view we will never find out.

A book fleshing this fact out would serve a useful purpose although it might be hard reading at times. This is not to say that visual attraction doesn't often bring people together and help keep them so. But this is less common than relationships based on good communication, shared views and trust.