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I’m struggling to clearly yet briefly explain what’s going on. I’m fairly sure this sentence is grammatically correct, but it still sounds clunky and confusing.

For context, my POV character sits down at a table with a lot of other people. A few of them notice her at first, but the rest only do when she’s addressed by another character.

Everyone who hadn’t already turned in my direction.

Even if I try rephrasing it, it still seems off.

Everyone who hadn’t turned to me already did so now.

Should I split this sentence up into different parts, or is it clear enough as it is?

Grace
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3 Answers3

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You could omit the "turn" action and talk about the result directly:

Suddenly everyone was looking at me.

What might also make this "seem off" to you is that you are using the adverb "now" in a sentence in the past tense. That's wrong. You should instead use an adverb referring to the past moment, such as "then" or "in that moment", or not directly referring to a moment at all, such as "suddenly".

Stef
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I have found that when I’ve written a complicated sentence, the kind that doesn’t work well, that it is usually because I’m not communicating the events in my scene very well.

For instance, ‘Everyone who hadn’t turned to me already did so now.’ might be better related as “Why is everybody looking me?” if I wanted the narrator to communicate surprise or worry about being the focus of attention.

The difficulty with your example sentence is that is doesn’t communicate anything beyond the fact everyone turned to look at him.

If every important sentence communicates across multiple dimensions — actions and emotions or reactions and consequences or fears and reactions — then I’ve found that my writing challenges reduce to ensuring that my subjects and objects are clear and that causality is enforced.

EDL
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What's the Deeper Point

How does the POV character feel about everyone looking that them?

Smug?

Side conversations stopped, and everyone turned to me. Now I had their attention. I suppressed a smile.

Embarrassed?

I swallowed as the room fell silent, and I struggled under the weight of everyone's attention.

Re-frame the sentence to be less around what physically happens, and more about how the character feels, and it should come more naturally.

codeMonkey
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