I got my cat from a shelter almost 4 months ago. She is 1 years old. I have bipolar disorder and sometimes I get these moods where I want to chop my cat's body into thirds or repeatedly throw it into a wall.
There have been times where I would just be petting her and then try to pick her up and then she tries to squirm out of my hands and so I violently squeeze her then throw her away from me.
I love cats so I always feel bad when I hurt her. She does come around for affection sometimes but if she senses I will pick her up , then she runs. I can't rehome her instantly because the shelter I got her from makes you set up appointments to surrender a pet and sometimes it is months or weeks out. I tried posting her on craigslist twice and got no responses.
I don't want to end up killing her. I am also afraid to just give her to just anybody because they may do worse than I have an kill her or throw her out on the street.
I just don't want to be without a cat, which sounds weird. I live alone in a 1 bedroom apartment so the cat keeps me from being lonely.
I am afraid to tell my therapist that I want to hurt my cat or that I have hurt my cat because she may report me.
What do I do?
