Let's say I am in a court proceeding, and then make swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I tell the judge I would like to make an opening remark, he says yes, and I say "My opening remark is a false statement." What happens to me?
If they claim that my statement is false and try to prosecute me, then it is in fact not false, and they cannot prosecute. If they claim my statement is true, then it is in fact false, and they cannot not prosecute me.
What happens?
See 18 U.S.C. s. 1621 (a). Perjury only relates to material matter.
In my opinion, your little logical paradox isn't material. You might be scolded by the judge to stay on point. If you keep doing it, you'll be held in contempt of court.
Your hypothetical contains a false premise. Witnesses are not allowed to make "opening remarks."
Witnesses are only allowed to answer questions (while under oath) — not make remarks. Any "remarks" or statements that are not responsive to a question will most likely either be the subject of an objection and, therefore, not allowed. Or otherwise ignored completely.
In both cases, the judge will likely direct you (the witness) to follow the rules of court procedure and stick to just answering the questions. If your non-responsive conduct continues, the judge might give you a series of warnings to be followed by a finding of contempt and jail time (in the most extreme result on the continuum of possible outcomes).
The only people allowed to make "opening remarks" are the litigants and their attorneys.
I think most people in the courtroom would roll their eyes, and, if you were lucky, your foolishness would be ignored.
Quite probably you would receive a little lecture from the Judge to the effect that legal proceedings are serious and you ought not trifle.
My $0.02? Don't screw around while under oath or, in fact, at any time while in a courtroom. Judges can be kinda humorless that way -- they can get pretty grouchy about people who appear disrespectful to the court.
